An American Biker in London

Original post: May 30, 2008

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, following you from rooftop to rooftop, spying in the shadows, stealthily padding up and hitting you over the head with a blackjack. You wake up one day with a funny taste in your mouth, and realize that another eight months has passed since you last blogged and a year since you wrote your former brother-in-law in prison.

There is some irony in blogs. When we have the most worth saying, or the most events to report on, we're also too busy to sit down and take the time to talk about it. Are people really that interested in your life? Probably not, but we do it anyway as a way of venting or pondering out a philosophy on paper.

With that in mind, I suppose here is my random update blog about life, work, and ninjas.

Next week Sharise and I are flying to Europe with her Dad's side of the family. We land in London some time on Tuesday, where we'll spend a few days doing tourist attractions and mingling with the locals. While staying in London, we'll be hopping the train through the Chunnel to Paris for a day to again do the tourist-type things: the Eiffel Tower, probably the Louvre, Notre Dame, and anything else on the agenda for the day.

From London, we're flying to Barcelona, where we'll be spending a day looking at Roman ruins and maybe catching a show at the Electronic Music festival that is held there every June. From Barcelona we board a cruise ship and head to Monaco, Naples, Rome, Pompei, and Palermo, before heading back to Barcelona and flying home.

In all, it's a much-needed two week vacation to a part of the world I've never been to before, so I'm looking forward to it. I've been trying to brush up on my Spanish at work with some of our contacts in Spain. We'll see if it helped.

My next blog topic is on motorcycles. I know, I'm as shocked as you.

I'm loving my new bike so far. It's not huge, but it's pretty light so passing the course for my drivers' license should be a breeze. While I've been a Harley-Davidson man for some time, the Yamaha was much cheaper and I haven't been disappointed. As a lower—okay, the lowest–end model that you can get in a true V-twin configuration, it came with a chain drive (something not seen on H-D cruisers for five years), it's a soft-tail with that hard-tail feel (which is sort of backwards if you think about it, but makes me feel more hardcore), and is a gas-efficient means of transportation to work and back. At over 65 mpg, I fill up once a week and it costs between $6.00 and $8.00 for gas using 91 octane premium. My other costs are $100/month: $30 for insurance and $70 for the payment.

Now for the cons. It's everyone else. Probably not you, specifically, but the friggin' remedial drivers on the roads of Utah. I heard an ad on the radio yesterday for motorcycle awareness, and I'm glad. I wear a thick leather jacket, denims when I can (and when we get back from Europe and our budget stabilizes again, I'll probably order some chaps), and a full-face helmet. Yeah, it's not as stylish, but if you've never had a rock fly up and hit you in the face at 60 mph, you wouldn't understand. I'll probably opt for a German-style half-helmet later on this summer as it gets warmer and just wear a bandana to keep my bug consumption down.

In addition, I'll be signing up for a safety course in July and I read articles in bike magazines on safety. I feel like I'm doing my part to drive defensively, but it seems that cars misread biker's intentions. This is only compounded by the fact that there are a lot of bad motorcycle drivers out there. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on the road if you will, too, and not judge each other based on the behavior of others.

I guess I have a few requests/suggestions. Keep in mind that when I say "he," it's only because the majority of bikes on the road are ridden by males.

When a biker is riding to the left on the line, don't assume he's trying to let you know that you're slow and he wants to pass you (unless he's tailgating, then he deserves whatever he gets). Normally, it just means that they're trying to be seen by you and oncoming traffic, not to mention staying away from the center of the lane where oil and grime collect.

Don't tailgate a biker. Seriously. It's just not cool. I had a UTA bus driver tailgate me at 60 mph one day for no other reason than I was in front of him, already doing 10 over the speed limit. If I would have had to lay my bike down, he couldn't have stopped/swerved in time. No, I didn't get his license plate and report him. Next time, however, I promise to.

People seem to think that getting one car/bike length ahead will make a difference. If I'm doing 65 in a 55 zone, you probably don't need to hurry around me and cut me off and then slow down to 60. Breathe in, breathe out. You're not saving that much time. This goes for all driving, regardless of who you're passing.

If a biker gives a slight wave, look around. There's probably another motorcycle near you. They're acknowledging that they see each other because car's don't. They're not waving at you. You're in a car; you aren't that cool.

I think I'm done with that soapbox for now.

On to work. Work is good. I work in the Novell® building doing Novell's website, but I work for a small company independent from Novell, called Eli Kirk. I guess my official title is eMarketing Producer, but I do xHTML, XML, CSS, and a little programming edits in JavaScript and PHP. I'm currently trying to learn more PHP. I just bought a book called Wicked Cool PHP, and it's got some pretty good stuff. I looked at other programming books, and it took them halfway through the book to get to defining variables, which is pretty basic. I put them down immediately.

Along with my day job, I've been working with two friends from high school, Mike "Potato" Pearson and Jay "Phatman" Dixon, on forming a company called Westwave Productions. So far we've done a little web production and some video editing, but with Mike getting laid off from his job he's looking to expand into independent production and editing for audio and video. Mike's goal is to one day produce for television or film; my goal for now is just to get a web series or something on the local tv station.

The Central Utah Paranormal Society has now been re-named to Paranormal Investigators of Central Utah (PICU) because some guy from Delta was throwing a fit that we were using the name and he claims to have started using it two months before. I didn't want to get into a petty argument, so I let it slide. We haven't done any investigations since December because of conflicting schedules, but it sounds like something could be in the works later in June.

I think that's about it for now. Things are going pretty good, so I guess I can't complain if life wants to sneak around me in black pajamas, as long as it keeps dropping good things my way.

Goodbye to Southern Utah (for now)

Originally posted: September 01, 2007

Hey everyone! I don't even know who will take the time to read this, but I thought I'd do a quick blog about my life (and Reese's) right now, as well as issue a fond farewell to southern Utah (for now ;) ).

The short:

What: We're moving to Utah county/SLC area.
When: This coming Monday.
Why: Details below, but work and family should be two good enough reasons. ;)

The slightly longer:

This probably comes as a shock to many people because it is so sudden, but it is true that Sharise and I are moving up north to Utah county. I currently have my job application/resume in with Simmons Media, as well as EA Games and a haunted house in Salt Lake (seasonal, but I'll miss the Sigma Nu Haunted Hospital this year in part). Basically, Sharise and I decided that it's where we need to be right now. Once the decision was made final we're wasting no time in acting on it.

First, there have been very few decent jobs for someone in my position (4 year marketing degree, lots of experience in retail sales, office work, and radio but still lacking in actual marketing/management) in southern Utah. I've been looking since April, when I found out I was getting laid off from my last job at Landfill Service Corp. I've tried Kohl's, Zion H-D, Stephen Wade Powersports, as well as a whole slew of others that I don't even recall anymore.

The second big reason is my family. When I went to the MTC and then boarded that plane to San Diego, I was actually relieved to be spending time in a different state for a few years. I love my family, but I was excited to see new places. When I returned from Cali, I spent two months at home before moving to Logan, and that's the last I've ever been a considerable amount of time at home.

Many of you know by now that my Grandma Haskell passed away a year ago last month, and my sister Jill passed away two months later. To complicate matters, my Grandpa got re-married in April and filed for divorce last month. His soon-to-be ex has been a real *insert nastiest word you can think of here* about it, and the whole family and the police have been involved. I know, put us on Jerry Springer. All I can say is she was the one living in the trailer before and is living in one now. Then my Dad had to get run over by a different kind of trailer, the construction kind behind trucks, in June while on his mountain bike (he's doing great, by the way, thank you to everyone for the prayers and well-wishes!). He still has to wear a brace around the house and struggles with things like getting yard work done.

I'm the only child my parents have left. With the anniversaries of these deaths recently passed and soon to come, along with the holiday season, Reese and I feel that my parents will really need us now.

I've lived in southern Utah for five years now, first in Cedar City and then in St. George for the last year. I've come to think of it as another home. Some people have questioned if we're moving because I'm tired of it here; I admit that it's not as much fun without a Jeep, but it's still good. It's a different pace of life than what we're moving back to.

On a good note, we'll be closer to my family, closer to my best friend Jay and his wife, as well as my other friends from high school that I still keep in contact with; closer to many of the Sigma Nu alumni, and I have the chance to get a career in something I want to do and with a real future, not just a job. Sure, Reese has a great job with great benefits now, but we're currently working on starting our own family, so it's more important for me to be the one with the great job and benefits now.

I think that's about it. Feel free to come visit us! You can always message me for phone numbers and addresses. Our numbers will be staying the same for a little while, and I'll try to make a bulletin when that changes.

The only other announcement I have right now is that my personal webspace has been re-updated with a lot of my own original writing. You can view it all here.

It's been fun southern Utah!

The Last 365 Days

Originally posted: Nov. 29, 2006

The Fall semester at Southern Utah University is quickly coming to a close. As I began looking at final projects and viewing the damage my procrastination will cause me, I started to think about my life over the last year.

In the last 365 days, I got divorced. I knew our lives had grown apart, we weren't happy, and something needed to change. I smashed my life apart, like a sledgehammer on glass, and watched it crumble. I struggled to maintain a grip on sanity while I tried to gather the pieces back up and put them back together.

In the last 300 days, I met someone that made things better. She and I understand each other and are far more similar than different. We have the same goals and hopes. We want to work together to achieve them.

In the last 180 days, I lost my grandmother. Our family was always close with my grandparents, since my mom was their closest child. We did all of the major holidays together. Just two weeks before she passed away, she met Sharise and loved her, and that was important to me. I know that every one leaves the same way eventually, but I wasn't ready for it yet.

In the last 60 days, I lost my sister. If I had to rank people in my life according to importance, she was in the top three. I only had one sibling, and while we fought quite a bit growing up, I was her shadow. I followed her everywhere as a kid. We had the same friends and did a lot of the same things. Sure, that meant that I've had my fair share of dresses and makeup, and playing with the Ken doll. As we got older we grew more distant for a little while when she was on drugs. After she got back from rehab, though, we became close again. We had each others' back. I never worried about what to get my parents for Christmas or birthdays because she lived close to them and always had an idea. I think of all the events that have happened to me in the last ten years, this has been the most depressing and life-altering.

In the last 30 days, I got married. Sharise is awesome. I couldn't ask for a better partner. She and I have a lot of fun together. We also work well. People have asked me if it is wise to get re-married so quickly, but they've never been in my situation. When you find something that good and you see it for what it truly is, you grab hold and don't let go. She and I are building our lives together now, and I look forward to our future and family.

In the next 30 days, I may be headed for a new career in the Salt Lake City area. For anyone not familiar with Utah, St George is actually much closer to Las Vegas. I grew up in that area, however, so the thought does not bother me. It would require me to get permission to finish my last few business classes through independent study, as well as picking up our lives again and moving over three hours to the north to a large city. It's not such a bad thing when you consider the fact that Sharise and I haven't had a chance to settle into our new place in St. George.

In the last 365 days, my life has gone through a lot of changes. God must have granted me with a personality that readily adapts to change, a personality where some of my best performance is under stress, simply for this one year in life. I look forward to what the next year will bring. I pray that it be devoid of tragedy, and full of new beginnings.

Here's to the future. Another 365 days and beyond.

(A Previous Journal Entry)

Original Post Date: Oct. 02, 2006

I actually wrote this a little while ago, but with the recent engagement news, I felt like I could post it. It is slightly modified for myspace to remove the very personal stuff.

July 12, 2006

It's a Wednesday morning, and I was told to come into work a little later than usual to burn overtime. In the meantime, I'm trying to get caught up on life. Creating some sort of online diary or journal is something I have wanted to do for a while, so here goes.

Life. Sharise. Right now, they are one and the same. That may sound silly or like I'm jumping into things too quickly; perhaps it is, or perhaps I am. From my viewpoint, however, I do not think so.

Knowing Sharise and being with her has meant the world to me. While I am often frustrated by her issues with commitment, with not knowing what is going to happen in our future, and with not knowing how she feels sometimes, the good still far outweighs the bad.

A great example would be the first time she spent the weekend with me in Cedar City. June 30th, 2006 was a Friday. She drove up from St. George that night, and we had dinner (though I confess that I no longer recall where). Most of the night is a blur, actually. The one thing I do remember, however, was that we were in my bedroom. We had been laying on the bed, talking and making out. As we took a reprieve from our kissing, I backed up and looked at her. The only light in the room was from a single candle, hanging in a holder above the bed. Her amber eyes glowed, and her blonde hair, though a bit disheveled, flowed around her face and onto a pillow. Gazing at her there, the only thoughts that could come into my mind were of how beautiful she was, how absolutely perfect, and how much I loved and cared about her. She is a listening ear, a support, a lover, but most importantly, a friend. I remember wrapping my left arm around her, my right arm under her pillow, and hugging her tightly. I softly kissed her right ear and whispered, "I love you." As I withdrew to look upon her once again, I heard her quietly reply, "I love you, too."

At first, I wasn't sure if I had even heard correctly. The words were unexpected. For two months I had been at her side as often as I could. We had spent several entire weekends together. I had suffered for a month, wondering if I was being a fool for telling her that I loved her. After those first words, however, it made everything worth it.

We met on April 23rd, 2006, and about a month later, I had told her for the first time that I loved her, when I realized that I did. I tried to keep my confession to a minimum, telling her perhaps once a week, twice at the most. Sharise has a slight fear of commitment which she blames on her not wanting to hurt me, and so she would like to figure out if she wants to stay by my side or not before she will officially become my girlfriend. I had been patient through all of this, even though my heart wanted to beat through my chest. My mind often went over other possible reasons why she did not want to be "with" me. As often as I found potential issues, I would ask her about them.

Realistically, I have no desire to force or coerce Sharise into a relationship. Her mind is her own, and I like it that way. Her last two serious relationships started out with her being prodded and coerced into commitment, and obviously both failed. Now, I can't say that that is the reason behind them failing, but neither she nor I can say that it didn't play a part in her wanting to not be in the relationship anymore. All in all, I want her to be my girlfriend, and eventually more, but only if she wants it also. It has taken great effort on my part to be patient, but in the end, I know it will be worth it.

I felt drawn to Sharise since I was divorced, when I first saw her profile on myspace. I can't really say what it was. Initially, it was because I knew the divorce was imminent, she was a fellow divorcee in the area that I could probably relate to, and her profile online gave me the impression that she and I could get along extremely well, even just as friends. After the divorce, I knew that I wanted to meet her. Again, it was a compelling feeling. In early February, I filled out a myspace survey that Sharise had put on her bulletins. She responded fairly quickly.

That was around Valentine's Day. By March, she had agreed to go on a date with me, but we had never had a chance to figure out when. I had her phone number and would periodically send her text messages, asking how she was doing. Sometimes she responded; sometimes she did not. Over Spring Break, rather than pursuing the whole situation further because I didn't feel ready, I had started dating a girl from Cedar City. That lasted about two weeks. I knew things weren't right between her and me, and an image of Sharise kept coming back to my head.

Finally in April, I began calling her and things seemed to go fairly well. I recall one conversation that lasted for six hours. We spoke every night on the phone, and have every night since (when we weren't together). I think that because of the impressions I had that I needed to meet and date Sharise, I had high expectations. When we went on our first date around April 28th, she shattered those expectations. All we really did was get some dinner, go miniature golfing, take my Jeep out wheeling in the desert, and then ended up parking in a church parking lot and talking until 4 a.m. It wasn't fancy or extravagent, but it was fun. That night on the steps in front of her apartment, we went to say goodbye. I knew I liked her, and I thought she liked me, but I wasn't sure what to do. I had turned to leave, but stopped myself. I turned around and blurted out, "Can I kiss you?" Amazingly enough, she answered "Yes."

We kissed for the first time. It was as they describe it in movies and books. It was probably the most magical kiss I have ever had. It was exciting, like little sparks of electricity traveling from my head to my toes. It probably lasted for ten minutes, but it seemed that the sun would rise and we would still be there. When we finally had to part, I left feeling like I was on cloud nine.

It was that same feeling when she told me that she loved me. She and I had talked before, and she had told me that she cared for me deeply and "in some ways" loved me, as a friend or as a person. However, those four words said with no pre- or post-amble, no other attachment, were as magical to me as that first kiss. I had waited for over a month, wondering what was going on in her head, wondering what else I could do to help her figure things out. Realistically, there was nothing, but I felt that somehow I was betraying my initial promptings that I should be dating her.

Now. It has been two and a half months. Her birthday is on Friday. Her initial plans to move to Salt Lake City in July had been changed when she got into her masters program at the school in St. George, again giving our relationship more time. At times, she wonders if moving to Salt Lake City is still the right thing for her, as there is generally more work in her field there. I have told her that I do not want her to go, but that I also know that she must do what she feels is right. I am convinced at this point that she will stay. I tried to show her last night that there are far more options than just moving to Salt Lake, and reassured her that she and I could move anywhere after I finish my degree.

Sometimes, I still have my doubts about us, but they are fleeting (if that). They come like a temptation to sin, usually accompanied by a feeling of despair. "Things will never work out," they whisper, "the two of you will only be friends. Give up now. She will move and not want to date you anymore." I quickly dismiss them, as I recognize their source. God does not give me direction in that manner, and right now I don't know if I'm worthy for any type of guidance from that source. I have only to look at a picture of the two of us together, one taken two weeks ago when we went up to Brianhead and had a picnic on the peak, and I am immediately filled with the desire to be with her, to be close to her, to come home at night and be with her. I can think of no other way that I would want to wake up than to do so with her beautiful face by my side.

Will Sharise and I get married? I'm not certain. I do know that I can easily picture she and I together in a year, in two years. I can picture us married. I can easily picture us with several children in a few years, and I can picture her as a mom. I love her, I love her family, and I know they like me. She is my left hand, second only to Jay. The only way the two could ever be exchanged is if she and I did get married.

For now, I just continue on. I ignore her comments about moving to Salt Lake, because I am certain she will realize some of the same things I have, in the end. If she does not and she leaves, it will be because she is convinced that things would never work between us, and it would be easier to let go. After that, I don't know if I could date for a very long time. It's not that I would not want to, it would be hard to get over her and harder to find someone that even came close to comparing.

******

As an update, we are obviously getting married on November 4th. We don't have all the details sorted completely on it, but we're getting there. Things are still going well. In five months, we've never fought once, never argued, never raised our voices at one another. Disagreements are pretty much inevitable in marriage, but we're hoping to keep them to a minimal.

The Homeless Dynamic of Relationships

Original Post Date: April 22, 2006

Today I was driving up Cedar Canyon, enjoying the view, when I saw two people walking about 15 feet from the highway on a dirt trail. One was a brown-haired, tall, lanky, dirty, unshaven male, probably about my age. The other was a blonde, short, none-too-clean female that was probably slightly younger by a year or two. Neither was very attractive to look at. As I passed, the thought occured to me, "Ah, man. Poor transients. At least Homeless Ugly Guy and Homeless Ugly Girl have each other."

I admit, it wasn't the most Christian thing to think, but I'm not going to put up a front now and pretend I'm a saint (most of you would just laugh anyway). I started thinking, though. I thought about their relationship dynamic. I thought about how they probably consider themselves lucky to have met each other and to have each other. They've probably been through a lot of bad times together. Sleeping in each others' arms at night is probably not just emotional, its a necessity on some nights around here.

I suddenly realized I was jealous.

That's right. I was jealous of Homeless Ugly Guy and Homeless Ugly Girl and their relationship dynamic, because I realized that they probably won't ever leave each other. They share everything. They spend a lot of time just talking. When you're homeless and apparently jobless, there's not much else to do.

There is definitely something to be said about the nature of the human spirit. For some reason, things do not become important to us and we don't seem to bond until we've been tested. For example, if you haven't eaten all day, food that you normally wouldn't touch becomes pretty dang good. Last summer I bought some pickle-flavored chips while on lunch break. They were gross. A homeless guy happened to approach me in the park, and I gave them to him. I had a hard time watching him stuff them in his mouth hungrily, but to him I'm sure they were great. I would have given him something better, but it was all I had left. They really were disgusting, but when he told me to just throw anything I didn't eat next to the trash can so he didn't have to dig for it, I knew it would be appreciated.

Tested, stressed, and stretched, yet unbreakable. I named it "The Homeless Dynamic," and I want my next serious relationship to be like that. No, I'm not suggesting that we should all quit our jobs and wander the land with our significant others like a bunch of hippies. I'm just saying that I don't want the relationship to be taken for granted by either of us. I don't want it to be a mere convenience. I want to share everything equally. I want to be tested and come through stronger for it. My last serious relationship was tested severely. Cracks formed from the inside. At first, things seemed fine still because we had a great facade, but eventually the cracks broke through and everything fell apart. Before I make a serious commitment again, I want the relationship tested. If things come out okay, then you know you're on to something.

I want a relationship where we stick together as if our survival depended on it.

Who knows? Someday it might.

Friends vs. Enemies

An appropriate first re-post.

Original posting date: Sunday, February 19, 2006

In this life, you are either my friend, or my enemy. There is no inbetween. There are no fence-sitters. Another person's feelings toward me holds no bearing on their status. Luckily, the vast majority of people are friends. If you are someone I have just met, you are probably a friend. I give my trust easily, because I believe there is a greater good in humanity. I believe that the Light of Christ can be cultivated and shine through from any soul.

There are casual friends. These include people you have in classes at school, people you know at work, people who are always good for a talk or a laugh. You may not tell them your deepest secrets or feel like you could trust them with your life, but you might help each other out in small or major ways.

Then there are true friends, those you can count on no matter what. A true friend will stick by you through heaven and hell, happiness and sorrow, pleasure and pain. Of those types of friends there are still many, but considerably fewer. For a true friend, I would do anything in my power to help them. I trust them. I hope they trust me. I would willingly sacrifice my life to protect them. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13).

Last, there are enemies. Friends can become enemies and vice versa, but it is difficult. Friends need to show a great deal of betrayal to earn the title of enemy. Enemies need to show a great deal of repentance and change to earn the title of friend. Enemies are the opposite of a true friend. For the most part, these people are ignored outwardly if secretly watched. Only a fool would turn his back on an enemy, especially those who were once true friends but betrayed you. I would not hesitate to bring an enemy down, if necessary, and especially for the greater good. These people are still redeemable, but the process is difficult. God has commanded that we forgive all, for "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." Sins may be forgiven, but not forgotten, and it is extremely hard for you to again trust someone who has betrayed you.

Friends know who they are. True friends usually know who they are, even if it is not expressed often enough. These people need to be thanked and recongized more often.

Enemies definitely, without a doubt, know who they are.

Which list are you on?

Catching up with a Drifter

For the past three years, I've gone through the traditional cycle of an average Myspace user, beginning with fantacism, then fading to enthusastic followed by interested, and ending with apathy. I still log in to check my messages occassionally and see how my friends are, but it's not something I devote much time to.

About two years ago, I signed up for a Facebook account under my pen name in order to see what all of the fuss was about with this "other" social application (hardcore geeks spare my your criticism; I know there are many out there, but few have had the social/cultural impact of Myspace and Facebook). I found one "friend," a former mission buddy, and Sharise didn't recognize the penname account so she ignored my friend name. Within a day or two, I had all but forgotten that I even had the account until a week and a half ago.

One morning I woke up, decided to try something new that day, and I logged in. I began by adding a request to Sharise to add me to her friends list, and then promptly began typing in the names of every friend, mission companion, college buddy, or anyone else I could think of that I had lost contact with but was interested in catching up on.

I was amazed as, for the first time in years, I was actually able to locate people, and through them more people, and it spiderwebbed from there until within less than two weeks, I now have over 80 friends, people that I have a lot of good memories with that I am still interested in even if we aren't in daily contact any more.

This leads up to the fact that I've been doing three years of blogging on a completely different site. I've seen the format for sites like Blogger and Blogspot in the past, and obviously they're superior to Myspace's format. It's what they do, it's their specialty. For the benefit of those who are interested in reading my rants, thoughts, life updates, or any other crap I might come up with. I thought I'd start by posting some of my blogs from my other profile and go from there.